^_^ - Smile, It's All You Can Do

Everyday, it hurts more and more.  I can no longer take it anymore. God Help.

Is it bad if everyday I wake up and wonder if I’m important? 

If I’m gone, will people remember me?

Will people care that I’m gone? 

Everyday I walk across a bridge that connects one side of campus to the other, and I think, “What would happen if I jump?”

Are my friends really my friends?

Are the people I call my best friends, really my best friends?

Or are they just saying that to make me feel better? 

Because it doesn’t make me feel better, it just hurts me even more.

Can I really trust them that what they’re saying is the truth?

I wake up some mornings feeling like I don’t have a friend in the world.

So I go back to sleep and wake up the next day hoping my feelings are different.

Fakeness

I Hate People Who Are Fake.        

My Fakeness Is My Happiness.

Other People’s Fakeness,

Is Their Happiness Towards You.

The Hardest Part Is Getting Up

It’s Friday. It’s cloudy out.  I wake up at 10:45 to a friend’s text and fall back asleep in midtext.  I wake back up at 4 when someone calls me.  It’s 5 and I’m still in bed.  I’m alone in my dorm room, and I’m happy about that.  No one here to be fake with.  No one here so I don’t have to put on a mask and act all bubbly and happy.

All I want to do is curl up in my covers and sleep until there’s no tomorrow.  Pain swells up in me.  I shout, I yell, I cry, but no one is here to hear me.  No one knows I’m in constant pain. No one knows that I’m hurting every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week.  I have to fool even myself to think that I am not.  I have to submerge myself with people just to cajole myself I’m not hurting.  But the truth is, that I am.  

I should have known this was going to happen.  Hearing “Jumper” by Third Eyed Blind in chem lab foreshadowed how I would feel.  Everyday I come home to a place where no one likes each other.  Everyone is shitting with each other- all this fake friendliness is disgusting. Everyday I come home to an empty home.  No one is here, no one her to act fake to, to pretend that you’re okay because you think they like you.  No one here to make yourself feel normal.  Because the truth is, I’m not normal. Even when I get a text by a guy I like, asking “how are you doing today”, I’m happy for a moment, then look outside, in the cloudy bleak sky, and I start crying.  

They don’t know what it’s like to live by yourself, to be in a hostile environment all by yourself, to be lonely all the time.  They know maybe how to be alone 3 days tops, but never a whole month.  They just go on life seeing you when your mask is on.  They don’t know you, and they don’t want to. Knowing you, just pulls us farther apart. 

It’s 5:30, and I’m still in bed. I suppose I should have drank an FRS today… 

Happy

I have not had a diary in years, nor have I had to write about myself since middle school; however, I figure I should capture this moment I’m in right now.  For the past two consecutive days, I have been happy the whole day and my energy is elated. I finally feel “normal” for the first time in 3 months and have not been in pain. (well, unpleasant pain that is ;P) I’m happy. You just have to learn that you can’t force people to do anything.  You can’t force to be friends with someone, you can’t force someone to be nice and kind, like you can’t force someone to understand you, to know who you really are. People come and people go.  It’s those people who understand you, who impact you or who you impact, the Ones who are there for you when you need someone and will sit by your side till the end, are the ones you must keep by the side.  I have given up on trying to find this person. People don’t think about you if you are not seen.  Out of Sight, Out of Mind.  You, yourself must be heard. Things will come to you when you are not looking of them - and that is what happened to me.  I am finally happy again and am actually, sad that this semester is ending.  A month or two ago, I prayed everyday that the semester would end.  Not anymore.  I enjoy talking and meeting new people everyday.  I enjoy crashing at a friend’s house and just having fun with them. I wish I would have done this sooner, but I guess everything fell into place at the perfect time. Call me cynical, call me pessimistic, call me depressing- it is who I am. But if you think I don’t have a heart, you don’t know me at all.  I am a person who cares more about a person than that person will know.  It is who I am. 

Perhaps it’s the new FRS drink I’ve been drinking lately, or the new people I now surround myself with, but I am finally Happy. Lets just hope this happiness lasts till finals week xP